The Man I Am Missing

I am missing someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with this guy. I remember years ago, he was thin, pale, quiet, unadorned and very conservative. Looking back to the old days, he had simple aspirations in life, that is, to be of help to his family by finishing college and landing a job probably as an architect or a nurse. He had no friends except me and he had brought all his focus in honing the talents that God has given him (damned!, this guy got a basket of natural gifts). He used to speak less though I knew his heart was full of stories to tell.

We had no earlier pictures together, he’s very camera shy, he thinks he’s hideous.

After college, we parted ways. I left him actually, not because I needed to but because I wanted to. He’s too boring for a mate. He didn’t know anything beyond the most complex algebraic expressions or the elements that most commonly present in the atmosphere. He lived his life with books and the imaginary characters he found therein. He didn’t play any sports. He didn’t wear jeans. He had never been to a mall until I invited him one time during our second year in college. My god! He’s a hermit living in a cave of closed identity. He had lived a simple life but I had never once heard him complain or protest why others have to be more blessed.

Yeah, he maybe so probinsiano, but he’s way better than anyone you could ever find in the metro.

That’s what I had liked about him. Yes, he’s too corny but he’s true. He never lied, he never doubted anything that people told him, he’s very smart yet humble, he’s mysterious, he’s very different. When I came to Manila to work, I did change. I have liked all the new found things that I have not seen in the province and when I was still with him, the huge malls, branded clothes, gadgets, new friends and too many others to mention. I forgot about him just as my Friendster friends keep on growing. Then for a long time, I have not seen him. I don’t know if he’s dead already. There was no news of it.

He disappeared to anonymity, never took his college dreams and then..a news blackout.

So many years passed, I had not heard about him. How I wished I could have given him some complimentary gifts when I was still with San Miguel or invited him to the many occasions that I have spearheaded in our house. How I wished I could have talked to him and just simply take a trip down memory lane. But where is he? Now I am here in Dubai and friends are too hard to find, after so many things that have transpired, after dropping him from my priority list, after denying him a chance to go with the flow, after letting him alone, after leaving him lonely, his thoughts and character suddenly graced my imagination.

He was forgotten, but his character lingered somewhere at the back of my mind.

Could I be missing him? well, I must admit I am. But why? Maybe I got tired of the lights and the modern times and I am looking for some peace and truthfulness . I know he is not that hard to find, only if I will look closer and deeper within myself. I miss him, yeah, i miss the man. I am missing the man I used to be.

A Bigger Job

Before I went out of the office this afternoon, I bid goodbye to my American superior, he just arrived from a month long vacation. I have just been regularized; so he asked me how my job was. I said it was fine. I said that I was getting along very well with the job and been learning a lot as each day progresses. Sounds good? Hmm, but you know what? Lately I have been trying hard to hold my head together as I dealt with the overwhelming responsibilities as the company's new accountant. Not that I feel incapable of doing what’s assigned to me, it’s only that sometimes I would want to tell them that true I am just a paid employee but I also do get tired dutifully unlike a restless robot.

This is not my way of complaining what I couldn’t tell my boss straight to his face. Pardon my silent rally; I am just yet again in one of those rare moments when the circumstances drown me in little irreverence. My tolerance towards challenging and taxing accountabilities has seemed to have gradually diminished with time or is it just the fact that I have never really liked "positions" from the very beginning? Contrary to what you might think, I have a self downsized personality. Oftentimes I fear representing a group, leading a pack, managing a task or simply in charge of a concerted effort.

I have worked for San Miguel Corporation as a Senior Financial Analyst for more than six years. Had I not resigned to pursue my Dubai dreams, I would have been a manager by now. Well, actually I was told about it when I decided to leave the company. My boss revealed their plans for me as if knowing them would entice me to stay. Had they've informed me ahead of my decision, I would have declined either. I know my own strengths, but at times that I feel that I am not ready yet, I don’t take risk, even if that represent a once in a lifetime shot.

Now, I kinda feel the same, too overworked and the responsibilities coming too big to handle. Am I waiting for someone else to tell me that I can do this? Nope. But certainly it will be appreciated. They trusted me for this job and I don’t need another thing to happen so I could realize that. I just couldn't tweet "if I could only transfer to another job by tomorrow". I should be thankful that I got a job after the long wait. I have learned my lessons well. I have grown up and ready for the challenge.

Not all are given the chance that I have let slipped through my fingers simply out of convenience and silliness. I am not letting go of this one. I am not made to break. I know my own strengths.

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected

I came across this phrase one time while i was watching the telecast of the 2007 Emmy Awards. The show was giving honor to those television programs whose phenomenal success has enabled them to reach out far beyond the boob tube entertaionment. One show that was recognized for that higher purpose was the spin off of American Idol called Idol Gives Back, the top rating American show fund raising extravaganza thats featured performances of its past winners and finalists. The proceeds from the show were used to help children and young people in extreme poverty in the U.S. and in Africa. It was the Idol's way of sharing its success to those who have made the show enjoyed tremendous viewerships all through out its season runs.

Right there in front of the television set, I was kinda raised three feet above my seat. I am not alone. I am not carrying a burden. I am not living my life in vain. More than paying it forward when someone does you good and Spidey theme with great powers come great responsibility, it is truth lending to the timeless biblical truth that to whom much is given, much is expected. An individual who has been blessed by any means, like by earning support from other people, being gifted with good upbringing, great in born talents or physical wealth, making good a shot at once in a lifetime opportunity or simply being on top of his chosen field of endeavor, has the inherent responsibility to share to those less blessed and pay back those people whom he owe his way of success.

If only I had realized this earlier in life, it wouldn't have been that hard growing up and understanding why things have always have to be like this and why i have always have to do this and do that. You see, in my family, I was the only one whos lucky enough to finish schooling and to have that chance to land a decent job. So the responsibilities to support my family have rested in my shoulder since then. When I was still in school, whenever there's quiz competitions, I would always be the school representative and everybody's expecting me to bring the gold medal. Back then, I have found it a little unfair to live up to the pressure. I was thinking, if this was the price I have to pay for the gift of knowledge, then I'd rather be braindead.

Life is never fair and not all men are created equal. Some are born with a silver platter and others have to work their way out of poverty. Some are born with great talents and others have to be contented with their pretty faces. To whom a little much is given, a little more is expected. God won't give us cross we cannot bear. Great tasks are given to those with big hearts enough to make a difference in other people's lives.

Now I realized more than ever how good it feels when you give back and being able to share what is shared to you. Its bitter sweet especially if the road you travelled has been long and muddy. Only it is essential to note that we live with purpose, far apart from achieving our own. Succes is never personal and it has never been the end, it is only a means of achieving a higher purpose to which a meaningful existence would equate to.

American Idol has proven to be one of the most successful show on the planet and its find raising efforts have served its purpose beyond loud screams and glitter lights. Spiderman's powers have been regarded as a curse for it have sidelined its personal happiness but its the same powers that have kept peace and justice to his community. I have been blessed with the gift of knowledge anchored with some respectable talents. The road to a better life could be long and winding, but a will try my best to be of help to my family and loved ones no matter what it takes.

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We don't have to be "successful," only valuable.

We don't have to make money, only a difference,

and particularly in the lives society counts least and puts last
-William Sloane Coffin

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Bringing a Good Man Down

I really don’t know which way to feel. Being so preoccupied with my current job, I have almost lost all the time in the world to update my blogs, check on my emails and see what's the latest in friendster and facebook. Thought I could just leave the world unattended and focus on what's essential – my job. Well, evil really works its way when no one's watching. With the latest assassination that surprised the unsuspecting character in me, I really don’t know which way to feel . Should I be proud that someone is so negatively OBSESSED with me or should I be bothered that someone is weaving up trouble out of his OBSESSION.

What started out casually is raging on bloodily. Plagues of malicious emails, disturbing forum subjects, snatching control of my humble life's sanctuary, deleting the comments of my friends and even my own Friendster account, as if an apology would be not be enough to appease the bitterness and frustrations that is totally consuming this obsessed soul. Such another triumph for the evil monarch as another lost soul has taken the dark path and is blinded miserably by his congenital hatred and resentment of other people's successes.

While I work hard to earn a decent living, inevitably someone will just come along and speak evil without any just cause. But no matter how unsettling his words and his actions, I have always reserved in my heart a piece of understanding and console for people who are less loved. Sadly, people who are less loved most often are being used by the devil to spread their havoc in this world where we all try to live peacefully. And the battle just goes on. Damage will be inappropriately caused but God sees the truth and waits. He allows evil people to live longer, not because He wants them to spread more of their wrong doings but to give enough time to contemplate and repent for their transgressions.

I have always been a good man and a good friend to many. I am not a perfect human being. I have also flaws and vulnerable to mistakes and pains but I always know how to ask for apology for something that I have done knowingly and unintentionally. We live in an imperfect world, sometimes, what we want we won't get, who we love wont love us back the way we want it to be, we can never wish to be just successful, we have to work hard for it. At times when things don’t fall into place, there's no reason to blame others or feel bitter.

I have no enemies in life, aside from the loneliness that sometimes I feel from being far away from home. As an OFW, in time and in this place, that's the least that I would care about. But for some, there must be pleasure in evil speaking of others and spreading demeaning thoughts. I really don’t know which way to feel. How could some people be just so obsessed with someone so as to devote so much time trying to destroy him? Good luck. But they can never put a good man down. I have been through a lot in this life. I know as long as I am with God, this evil can try but they can't take that faith away from me.

"A man can never be too careful in the choice of his enemies” - Oscar Wilde

Home is Where the Toilet Is

I was sitting on the toilet bowl for almost thirty minutes. Had it been a weekday, in the same span of time, I wouldn’t have only emptied my tummy from last night's full meal, but have also taken a shower, dressed up and gelled my hair. But since it's a weekend, I was spared of that obligation to enslave myself to another day of never ending early morning wake up calls and pressuring office works. So for thirty minutes, I have afforded myself to sit on the toilet bowl, releasing my thoughts of boredom and homesickness yet again. Been here in Dubai for more than a year now, it's kind of odd that after many battles and consecration to fulfilling my dreams in this land of sands and the guinesses, I was actually feeling sad and missing home.

The toilet was as bare as me. Aside from the bowl, the water hose and the tissue holder, there was nothing else to see inside. The walls and floor was made of white shiny marble tiles whimsically resembling a huge folded unpainted canvass whose master's artistry has lost ever since he left his silent sanctuary back home. The toilet and the bowl was nothing similar to the one we had back home. This one was so closed out and unforgiving, while ours in the province was meters away from our house, a place without out a roof and where the sky and heaven freely falls and where the birds and the tress fly and sway abandonly from above without even care at what you are doing.

Such a great pleasure from simple things. I missed that and I missed home. Sometimes I wish if only toilet bowls could be like time machine that could transport someone back to the past or bring someone closer to the future, then I'd probably spend frequent times to happily do both. I wanted to go back to the days when our toilet bowl was stll that ground level type, much like me, so young, so trivial, so jologs, funny and innocent. Yet all the more that I wanted to go forward to the future. I missed home, family and friends. If I could travel to skip many pages in the calendar and many months of sacrifices alone here outside of my own familiar confinement, my thoughts of home and all the feelings of boredom would be flushed away with all my hesitations and unsaid feelings for my loved ones.

There was peace and solace in the toilet room, the deafening silence is a treat away from the seemingly inescapable lack of privacy that is Dubai. Yet the noiselessness was just suffocating in a sense that when you have nothing else to see, what you saw was a picture of yourself back in time in the same moments and mersmerized how things have changed since the time that you'd enjoyed some private yet public moments in that roofless toilet nestled below the leafy towering calumpit trees. There were no flush, tissue paper or exhaust whatsoever, but there was joy in seeing the birds and airplanes flew from above, there was pleasure hearing the birds' noises from the trees, there was sweetness in the scent of the fields and farms. There was hapiness, simply in being at home.